Diving Deeper

Do you ever feel like your heart might explode from dreams and desires that arise? that has been happening to me often, especially this past year. praise God for our hearts...from them flow the wellspring of life! yet, what do we do with desires that seem to grow that have not yet been met...or may never? do we push away our desires/dreams, numb our hearts and by doing so-kill our hearts?

something i have read recently by John Eldredge states:

"As our soul grows in the love of God and journeys forth toward him, our heart's capacities also grow and expand: "Thou shalt enlarge my heart" (Psalms 119:32).

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. This is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts: They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it's safer that way. It's also godless. That's stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life.

Desire often feels like an enemy, because it wakes longings that cannot be fulfilled in the moment. In the words of T. S. Eliot,

April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire. (The Waste Land )

Spring awakens a desire for the summer that is not yet. Awakened souls are often disappointed, but our disappointment can lead us onward, actually increasing our desire and lifting it toward its true passion".

This is what i feel like is happening to my heart... growing more in love with Jesus, which is growing my heart's capacity to more desires, open to more love from Him and people, open and growing towards the dreams and desires that i hope He has put inside of me...yet, i am realizing that this opens me up to the possibility of more pain, disappointments, and discouragements. i hope my rambling is making sense. i have come to learn that as my heart grows, changes, and is healed by having a relationship with Jesus- it can become more vulnerable. YES, we grow in His truth, strength, gifts of the Spirit, and how to fight the enemy's attacks. this grows our compassion. grows our intimacy with Jesus and love for people. grows our desire for the beautiful things in life that God points to as most valuable. by all of this, our walls fall. our wounds are touched by the Lover of our souls. our rough edges grow to be more like Jesus. our hearts overflow to others. we are challenged to grow into who God calls us to be, and by doing so are opening up who we REALLY are to people around us-giving what we may be afraid is not enough to others and may be rejected.

And through all of this, we are challenged to dive deeper into who He is... to not shrink back with what He calls us to do, or shrink back with who is raising us up to be through His redemption. by not shrinking back from Him as we continually lift to Him our dreams and desires. i am learning what this looks like. i have been asking Him what does it look like to not kill my heart and its desires because i want Him to have my heart that is alive... what does it look like to hold these things in surrender to His will and plans for my life, and live my life so abundantly with Jesus that I will be completely satisfied even if these desires do not happen.

That has been my wrestle with the Lord lately. entrusting Him with all of my heart in those areas, yet longing to fully trust Him as my Father, my Redeemer, Friend, and Lover of my soul... that whatever His plans are in my life-wherever and however long... i long to live in surrendered trust and intimacy with Him.

So i am learning through the times that it feels like my heart is going to explode, that diving deeper into Jesus with these things... allows my heart to rest. i might not see some of these things happen, but can trust that He brings beautiful completion and satisfaction to my heart. His love makes life worth it. my life, after all, is not about me-but about His glory.

Another quote:

The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it.

It is starting to make more sense to me... how our longings continue to show that we were made for more than our earthly life. these desires, in the end will point to Him. without Him, nothing will satisfy us. the deepest longings, desires, and dreams are nothing without Him in it-without Him as my first love. as i surrender these things to Him, i am beckoned to love Him more deeply-challenged to want Him more than these things in my heart. if He chooses to give me these things, then i can enjoy them to the fullest because He will continue to be first and they will be blessings "on the side".

Hope my thoughts encouraged you :)

Violett~~